Amy Ruble: The Weight

The past month has been challenging.

My silence is due to the following reasons:

  • My feelings were so tangled that I couldn’t sufficiently articulate them into coherent words.
  • I was fearful that revealing the contents of my thought process might lead to severe consequences.
  • However, I want to assure everyone that I’m fine, albeit there are days that are more demanding than others.

    If you’re going through depression, you might be too familiar with the gloomy thoughts that occasionally drift into our minds, momentarily paralyzing us, and making us wonder, “Did those thoughts truly originate from me?”

    Depression can birth unthinkable notions in your head. It feels as though an alien entity has hijacked your brain’s controls. You suddenly lose control of your own thoughts. A torrent of horrendous things rip through your mind throughout the day, sometimes for multiple days. It’s like your own mind is staging a coup against your heart, your feelings.

    Now, I believe I can perceive a thought and prevent it from overwhelming my emotions. I practice this frequently when it’s an irregular thought or two. But when this phenomenon lasts for hours or days, it’s incredibly draining, and it weakens you gradually until you can no longer resist.

    To provide some insight into how this feels, here’s something I composed last week while struggling mentally:


    I am bereft of any feeling.
    An oppressive weight on my chest makes it difficult for me to breathe.
    Each day becomes a greater battle to endure
    Pretending that I’m okay is even more exhausting
    Sleep has become my sole refuge
    I long for a deep sleep until these traumatic thoughts recede.
    Is it possible to trade my dysfunctional brain for a healthy one?
    I can’t bear to feel this way any longer
    I am clueless about how to improve my state.
    Depression feels like gasping for breath and being denied the release of death,
    Even though you fervently yearish for it.
    I’m not certain anyone can save me at this point.
    I doubt I even have the energy to rescue myself…

    That poem encapsulates my feelings at that time. I don’t always feel this way, but it’s an example of how depression can pull you into the deepest abyss, making you feel trapped. It’s as though you’re submerged in an ocean of internal struggles.

    If any of you have gone or are going through something similar, I empathize with your plight, and I’m truly sorry.

    If you haven’t experienced this severity of depression, consider yourself fortunate. I sincerely hope you never have to confront something so many confront daily.

    However, amidst the bleak landscape of depression, there is a respite. Depression comes and goes, much like ocean tides, changing with each passing day, month, and year. Keep hope alive. Hold onto your faith in better days to come. No one can take that away from you.

    Looking forward to our next interaction,

    A multifaceted career woman, a freelance writer, and blogger, poised within the realm of parenting and mental health topics. Away from writing, she dedicates her time to her family, savors domestic tranquility with her two kids and spouse, engrosses herself in a good read, relishes the warmth of a bonfire, and unwinds with a coffee in hand.